Showing posts from 2009
I'm suddenly much more relaxed. I had some wonderful lessons in church yesterday and heard a lot of things I think I really needed to hear. They were all about charity, giving and receiving. Charity....the pure love of Christ. I've been thinking about all these trials and tribulations in the wrong way. They may indeed be tests and trials, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to get something good for patiently enduring. They happened to teach me to learn to rely on others, especially at the expense of my pride. Charity was always seen as welfare in my family, which is the lowest of the low. You don't ever rely on anyone but yourself to take care of you. I needed to learn to accept help, and take it for the gift it is without refusing it to save face and struggling on anyway. I also needed to learn to handle problems gracefully, without fuss and fix it calmly. So many things get blown out of proportion and "ruin the whole thing" when really, they don'
I shouldn't have worried so much. Rosslyn assisted me in getting me home. Our friend Red took me to the train station and made sure I was alright. My parents picked me up at the station and I slept at a family friends', because that's where Christmas breakfast was going to be and they were allergen free (in comparison). I have my old phone, so tomorrow I'm picking up my paycheck early, getting a new simcard for the phone and handling all that, my home teacher who was fixing my tire has finished it, so tomorrow night or Sunday afternoon he's going to put it back on for me. I'm so grateful to him for all the effort he's gone through to do that for me. Presents were minimal, again, this year, but I don't need much and I obviously wasn't able to give much. Rosslyn gave me a new wireless card, so tonight when I get home I'm cleaning my room and getting the internet back on my own computer. Surrounded by friends and family, I'm content and happ
I spoke too soon last time. I'm having a really hard time now. After the previously mentioned things came to pass, my wireless card died, my car had a flat, my phone was stolen, and at some ungodly hour this morning those cramps that put me in the hospital returned. Rosslyn was amazing and got me lying on a hotpad and got my meds for me. The hospital had never determined what was wrong, so all they did that helped was lay me down and give me pain meds. As I can do all that here, I did. I had to call out from work (I feel so bad for my boss right now, despite my apathy to my job itself). Without my phone though, I'm kinda helpless. I can't call for help, my possible new job can't get ahold of me, my home teacher has my tire and I can't go see my family with the donut on... I might cry. I just keep feeling like I'm being tested. Just when things look up, like at the amazing show I performed in on Tuesday, something happens, like my phone getting stolen backstage
Bad things are said to come in threes. After my stint in the hospital, I went back to work on Monday. Rosslyn drove me that day and the next, just in case my cramps reoccurred. When they didn't, I went out to my car in the morning on Wednesday to drive myself, happy to be back in the swing of things. My car wouldn't start. Yep. The battery was dead. It wasn't until today (Monday) that I got it fixed through the good graces of my wonderful bishop and a couple of the young men in the Elder's Quorum of my ward. Considering we had a storm all day, with uprooted trees and torrents of rain going on this whole time, they are pretty much golden in my book. They were given hot cocoa, of course. It was the least I could do, since they weren't able to stay and enjoy the warmth of the house and a good movie. Darn weather. We were going to go caroling and I was going to run the choir. Without a ride, the latter wasn't going to happen and caroling is right out. Ah well,
I seem to not have much good news lately. Yesterday was Black Friday, so naturally I was at work at 5:45am to open the store. My boss and his wife showed up to help, and they bought me breakfast and a hot cocoa. I was extremely grateful. The day was going on normally, customers and the lot, when at about 11:15am I started getting cramps. Now, my period had begun a couple hours before, so at first I just thought it was that and that I'd be ok in a couple minutes. Nay nay. The cramps were suddenly sharp, stabbing pains in my lower abdomen. I got my coworker to take over the register and ran to the bathroom in back and spent the next hour in the worst pain I've ever experienced. I was sobbing for air and shaking so badly I couldn't dial my cell for help for 45 minutes. Finally I got a hold of a friend and my bishop. My friend sent his sister to be with me and the bishop sent his wife to get me to the hospital. I called my boss (and apparently I scared him--he's never h
Yesterday was a morning of Constant Interruptions. I got to work on time and all seemed well. Just before I was about to open the doors, my boss calls. Interruption #1. I was almost late opening the store by the time I got him off the phone. I generally don't mind him calling, but it's hard to open the doors with a phone pressed between your ear and your shoulder and he wants us to open as soon as we come in. Shortly after that, the phone rings. I answer, no one responds. Interruption #2. Repeat this particular interruption every two to three minutes for the next THREE hours. No, I am not  exaggerating. Not one bit. So, about an hour into this I was ready to throw the @%!* phone through the window and over the mall balcony so that it would smash into as many pieces as possible. However, I'm not allowed to simply take the phone off the hook. I got a customer call in there, so I knew some people were calling and getting through to me. By some point I was assuming it was a p
Agh, I've been so grrrrrrrrr lately. Just constantly angry and peevish. I've been handling it ok; I haven't snapped at anyone or yelled or anything. I just...hate my job. It's not that the work sucks (though it is retail) or that my coworkers suck or even that my boss is a moron, because none of that is true. It's just that I've been at this for over three years now and I am stuck in a rut. I am sick and tired of this job, of driving a half hour to and then another from work, of barely paying my immediate bills and making no  headway at all on my school debt, and of that fact driving my credit down and making it so I cannot get a better job in order to  pay it off. I am hating this rut a lot right now. Feel the hate. It's like being stuck in an oubliette with people tossing you just enough food and water to survive the day but never a ladder, rope, or enough to stock up a supply with. So everyday you're terrified they won't come, because if they do
I was listening to a radio show today and one of the callers was talking about her fear of falling in love. She wanted to, she was, she had a wonderful man in her life, but she'd never fallen for anyone, and had long wondered if she was incapable. That call got me thinking. I recognized myself in that call. I am afraid to fall in love. I've watched other people in their homes and families and seen the depths of pain and devastation that can be caused. It's scary. It leaves you vulnerable. And I think that in some ways, that's what let my last relationship slowly fade out and end. Neither of us trusted each other enough to really let ourselves love each other, even when we wanted to and were willing to make huge sacrifices to be near each other, and even made those sacrifices. Certain people I lived with didn't make it any easier, with their butting in and swapping warped versions of conversations we'd had sowed the seeds of mistrust and eventually caused us to
I seem to be long overdue for a blog post about this year's Halloween. I worked the opening shift that day, so I was able to come home and prepare for our small get-together that day. I dressed up for work in a costume I'd put together myself last year for ComiCon, a steampunk Victorian-esque outfit. I didn't wear the usual corset with it, as I hadn't been feeling too good at the time, due to that silly cold I mentioned previously. To make it more Halloween-y, I wore my fangs. Our friends came slowly from their various commitments and we watched old Bela Lugoisi movies, Hocus Pocus, and Interview with a Vampire. Our house was decorated rather awesomely though. I don't have any shots of the outside, save one, but the inside looked neat. We have a medieval dining room, so a few embellishments went a long way, just adding candles and dim lighting and some autumn leaves, removing the tablecloth to reveal the rather beautiful wood of the table. It all worked wonderfull
Ever sit back and wonder why we do things the way we do? A dear friend of mine received her mission call recently and is heading out to a foreign country. Rosslyn's father happened to have gone on his mission to that country as well, so he gave Rosslyn some books for our friend to borrow. One of them was a book on things on what us Americans find weird about the people of that country, and what they find weird about us, ranging from eating habits, body language, driving, and expression. It's got me curious. Americans are very forthright and direct as a group, which is either seen as confident and in control, or intimidating and rude. Sometimes all four! We don't like to beat around the bush; we prefer people to get to the point. Other people prefer to tell stories to develop a rapport, and those stories might never have a point other than to take up time and get to know you or them through it. We're expressive people who talk loudly and often make large gestures. Our f
Being sick is never fun. Especially when you got the day off over a month ago to go be with your family on your parents' 25th Anniversary. So instead of visiting, I get to lie in bed feeling gross and stuffed up, with a cotton head and a fever. I have been playing with my dolls a bit more though, so I thought I'd share some pictures of my Puki (PukiPuki Mary, to be specific). She's in a new dress and wig now, though the "right" wig for her is still yet to be found. Her name is Briar and the name fits her personality. I hope you like her; she's very cute. She has a bit of a Wednesday Addams complex at times, but the new dress seems to have calmed her. I can only hope that a proper wig will do the same. Khorae, my Iplehouse Silvia BJD, is one I don't have many pictures of, and those that I do have the wrong eyes and things. She's a manifestation of a character I've had in my head for a very long time; perhaps 5 or 6 years now. Enough that she's
I haven't had much of a chance to post lately. Last week I worked every day until late, save Saturday. The night before I drove up to be with my family and, after taking plenty of allergy medicine, I slept on the couch. (I'm allergic to fur, and they have three cats, a mouse, and a dog. Fun times.) The next day, Sister and I went out, got all the family cars washed, then went shopping for dresses for the wedding that night. Sister didn't find a dress, but she did find shoes to match a dress the mother of the groom had given her (the parents of the groom are best friends with our parents and claim us as extra children). I did find a dress from Torrid that surprised me with how good it looked on. I bought a shrug to go over it and cover my shoulders, but I returned that later, as I had one that already fit at home, and worked better with the dress anyway. That afternoon we went to the wedding and it was lovely. I was pleasantly surprised at what the minister said about marr
Have you ever been so happy you felt your heart would burst as tears of joy flowed down your face? I had the most beautiful day at church. I sang The Lord is my Light and had the ward sing the chorus with me. It was sudden inspiration. Then our lesson in Relief Society was about goals and the girl who taught the class sounded as though she was speaking to me personally. I've been putting off going back to school for a myriad of reasons the last few years, the main one being that I couldn't afford to do so, as my last semester at BYU had dropped my grades down too low to qualify for financial aid. But now, since I'm working many hours, I'm putting money away and saving it so I can at least attend some community college courses come January. No more excuses! While I have learned a lot the last three years, it's time I learned more in a different setting. I'm ready. A few things that have hit me hard and gotten me feeling revved up and ready to act have been th
Another long day of work done and I am left to my own devices. Rosslyn and several other friends went to Great Western War this morning, but I couldn't afford to lose the hours to go this year. Two wars I've missed lately! My family will be up there as well. I cannot even day trip it. Ah well. No bardic classes and good practice time for me. Though, there is the anniversary tourney coming up, and with it the Barony Bardic competition. I could prepare to participate in that. I'm supposed to have a two pieces, one of which has to be about the barony or the baron and baroness. Rosslyn was writing a funny spoof song about one of the wars, asking the leaders to get a certain war back from the Ren-Faeries and people who think war is "just like Burning Man" and they can wear provocative clothing and drink and party all night right next to children. No thank you. If we'd feel ashamed to have our families see it, something's gone wrong. The SCA is supposed to be
Sigh. Bouncy balls full of glitter and four inches in diameter do not mix well with open bowls and bins of seed beads. At least my carpet is the kind that let's the beads sit on top, not swallow them whole. I'll be spending a few days sorting these beads. I can tell. As for the last session of conference...I spent a couple talks crying. The urge to improve myself and others is overwhelming. A friend texted me tonight, letting me know how terrible things have been. He tried to play it off and make it sound like he's ok, but I know better. I got him the bishop's number and hopefully the bishop can get him the help he needs. Tomorrow I have work, then FHE, then choir practice. I need to prepare to sing for next Sunday as well: a song fitting in with the theme of the Atonement. I'd like to do "Oh Divine Redeemer", but I don't have the sheet music, nor accompaniment, and I don't know the song by heart, so I cannot just do it a capella. Perhaps I'l
This weekend is General Conference for my Church. Twice a year we spend a weekend listening to talks and revelation about our day, and ways we can improve the human condition. We also listen to the beautiful music, done by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I'm a classically trained vocalist, and they never cease to amaze me. I love music. Nothing makes me feel closer to heaven than that. I missed the Saturday sessions due to work, but they are up on my Church's website, so I'll be viewing them later. I listened to this morning's session and felt inspired. I have so many ideas for service and good works, but most of them have to do with how I want to raise my children when I have them. So! Some brief ideas for that: Ask them every day what they have done for someone else (me or their father). Write these acts of service down and perhaps even make a craft project out of it for the children and I to do every summer. Encourage them to live with responsibility and integrity. It
First posts are always awkward for me. I like to pretend I've always been here, always been posting. But I haven't, so I have to make a first post. What got me started on this was mostly that I'd had a blog for years and got bored with it. Posts were cluttered up with twitter posts and drama that I had long outgrown, and a fresh start seemed in order. Plus, blogger is usually pretty to look at. I'm rather easily pleased by silly little things. This blog is for the very personal purpose of growing into the kind of person I truly want to be. All the things I want to be--a wife, a mother, an artist, financially stable, college graduate, a true Daughter of God--all of that takes time and needs me to become worthy of it by working hard and persevering. The easy route is right out. For a little more about me: I'm the oldest of three, two girls and one boy. All of these will be Mom, Dad, little Sister, and little Brother, not that either of those two are that little any