Holding Back and Letting Go

Lately as I've been moving forward to get my temple recommend renewed, old problems, old doubts, and old pains have resurfaced. I know they will hold me back. I know this. In particular an event that occurred at my high school graduation keeps coming up. I sing, and so I was a member of the choir in high school. Of course, at graduation we were singing. The song had multiple solos in it and the last solo I was going for was between me and another girl, who was a great singer. We rock, paper, scissored for it. She won and I lost. After the practice, I went after her and suggested we sing it together. She actually agreed, which is something I hadn't expected. The problem was, no one else in the choir knew, and we had never practiced the part together.

Graduation comes and we are singing. We both step down for the solo, look at each other and miss the cue. So I went for it. I don't recall if she sang. I don't think she did. But I've felt bad ever since. I stole her moment out of my stupid pride. Now, the performance part we missed was a mistake, an accident. As a performer, I know these things happen. But after all this time, I still wish I'd had the grace to not have even suggested we do it together, been happy to sing with her having her moment in the spotlight. She was amazing, and I knew it. She could have done it just fine, but relying on each other, without practicing, to start lost the whole thing for us both.

So, I am sorry. I thought I was over this, but I'm not. I Am Sorry.

I've regretted it ever since and I know it's holding me back. It comes up whenever I start getting good things to happen in my life. I won't be knowingly allowing pride to interfere with the joy of living again. It's time to let go.


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