I am shocked and amazed by the world around me. How much joy and how much pain surrounds me on a daily basis? At the same time that parts of my world fall apart, other parts step in, strong and valiant, and buoy me up and along to safety. I love my gospel. I love my religion. Most importantly, I love my God. He provided me a Saviour and my life, wonderful friends, tough-as-nails family, and a capacity for love and compassion I am still shocked to find within myself.

The hardest thing for me to come to terms with is my utter powerlessness. Everything going on in my family is none of my business and not my place to butt in. Nothing I say will change anyone or fix the problem. I was sharply reminded of this the other day. I wasn't sure if I'd have the strength to deal with the problems that keep coming up, and then I received a phone call. My bishop had recommended me to be a Temple Ordinance Worker and I am now set apart to be so. As I had been considering requesting that myself, I about cried with happiness. The Lord had heard my need and my desire, and provided.

Going along with things I've mentioned previously, I cleared out my desk in one of those crazy late-night decisions I make when Rosslyn isn't home to talk me out of it and point out the logical fallacies in such decisions. We joke that she's the Spock to my Kirk, but I'm the Samwise to her Frodo. It was, seriously, 11:45 at night and I had to be up in the morning early-ish and I went and ransacked my desk anyway. It's still all over my floor and it's been four days. I have a significant amount of paperwork in a trash bag to be shredded (well, some more, I have three such bags running around the house by this time). My software and electronics drawer is organized nicely, and my mementos drawer is finally set for that specific purpose and I will have to remember not to put anything else in there. I ignored the sudden urge to scrapbook (which is not an activity I usually enjoy) and get all those mementos in an easy to find and read place.

I have a big pile of current debt bills to go through, so I can discover all the debts I have and research to ensure they aren't scams (that happens with hospital bills sometimes), then in order of smallest to largest, I need to begin paying them off. I've been putting away a small amount of money from every paycheck the last couple weeks, so that I can begin saving to go back to school. This time, I know what I'm doing.

A few years back, I was attending BYU. I was immature, my friends there had some major issues with depression and packrat tendencies, and I was simply not ready or not knowing myself well enough, so I ended up suspended from school (because of my grades) and then went home to California when my appeal fell through. I never went back, even when the one year suspension ended, for monetary reasons. Now, I keep getting the feeling, the nudging, and the urge to go back there and not to waste any more time here. I really think I'm being Told to head back to Utah.

So, Rosslyn is going to help me figure out if I need to reapply, who my academic counselor will be, and which departments I need to contact and find out all the steps I need to take to get back there by May. If that means taking some community college courses, fine, I can do that. With the money I'm saving up, I can even put forth something for classes right now (sorta kinda).

I will feel bad for leaving my job, but I have the options of transfering within the company either geographically or to a completely new position. I'm opting to try and just do a geographical move with either a raise or a bump to full time. I think I can manage that. I will be changing my major when I return. I was a Humanities with a Music Emphasis when I was there, but I don't think I did many courses toward the major as I was working so hard to get into the Vocal Music major. So I intend to change to a Business major and either make my Humanities major a minor, or switch it completely to Art History or just plain History. I want it to be something that reflects me as I am, not as I was. I won't be floundering around this time. I might even retake some classes I flunked or didn't pass to bring them up.

I'm so excited, I want to go now. The main worry is, will I ever return to my beloved California permanently? I do not like the way my state is being run and I don't know if I can afford to live here, either. And I'm certainly not getting asked out on many dates here.


Redoubt said…
I would like it if you came back to Utah :)

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