I was listening to a radio show today and one of the callers was talking about her fear of falling in love. She wanted to, she was, she had a wonderful man in her life, but she'd never fallen for anyone, and had long wondered if she was incapable. That call got me thinking. I recognized myself in that call. I am afraid to fall in love. I've watched other people in their homes and families and seen the depths of pain and devastation that can be caused. It's scary. It leaves you vulnerable.

And I think that in some ways, that's what let my last relationship slowly fade out and end. Neither of us trusted each other enough to really let ourselves love each other, even when we wanted to and were willing to make huge sacrifices to be near each other, and even made those sacrifices. Certain people I lived with didn't make it any easier, with their butting in and swapping warped versions of conversations we'd had sowed the seeds of mistrust and eventually caused us to let it go with a whimper and be just friends. I'm not saying that last out of sarcasm; we really are still good friends. My family didn't like him for something he said to/about my brother that no one could remember, perceiving him to mistreat my brother (who is autistic, so this is a big deal). I didn't notice this, whether because I was oblivious, they were over-sensitive, or what-have-you.

Now, I'm just lonely. I have wonderful friends, but I want that one person in my life. I want my eternal companion at my side. I know that some man is out there for me and I won't give up on looking for him. Perhaps he is the man I let get away six months ago. Perhaps not.

I'm so sick and tired of being afraid and alone. All I can do is Move Forward. And that's what I'll do.


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